WHAT AM I CHASING?

The last three or so nights I have had this re-occurring dream that I am chasing something.  I do not know what it is that I am chasing but bad things happen to me and my kids while I am looking for......who knows!?   The second night I had the dream, I was with my kids and I saw something that made me angry (again....have no idea what it was) I just felt the anger.  I all the sudden zoomed up on a person (no face) and started punching it (I'm a lover not a fighter so I would never do this in real life) but my arm felt like lead and I could not hit whoever this was hard enough. But I look over and my oldest daughter is knocking people out left and right.  (My hero).  I woke up in a sweat, very frustrated and somewhat angry.  But why?  Last night I had the exact same dream with the exact same feelings but instead of hitting someone this time, the person without a face was saying things that hurt my feelings.  I woke up very angry, so angry I could not go back to sleep.  As I ponder on this dream during the day it does not seem like it is a big deal at all.  In fact, it sounds down right stupid.  I  have learned long ago that, 'I am rubber and you are glue what you say bounces off me and sticks on you.'  I have developed a very tough skin (elephant like) to block me from the vindictive talk that destroys peoples souls!  The part I do not like about all of this is the fact that I still do not know what I am chasing, I hate the way I feel when I wake up, and I am kind of needing a good nights sleep!!!  So I bring in the people who are important to me.  The people I have surrounded myself with to hold me up (I bet your arms are tired)! My one friend says I need to drink at night before bed (thanks Lisa)! Sounds great but I do not drink (sometimes I do, but that's another blog).  My other friend said, something is holding you back from letting your anger out.  How smart are my friends???  THANKS TRACY!.  So then she helps me continue to brainstorm...what helps her is to walk her dog.  Her mother sews and quilts.  Well, the only thing that helps me is writing... SO HERE I AM!!!  I am hoping that by writing my dreams, they will quit! I did talk to my friend Lisa about wanting more out of life and maybe this dream is telling me to stop chasing stupid and get on with life (my friends and kids know who/what stupid is).  LOL.  I do want bigger and better things for me and my kids and that is not stupid so I will continue to chase that for the long run.  Going the distance for my children. 

Universe, YOU DID IT AGAIN!

I am totally amazed at how the Universe works!.  I learned many years ago that if you just put something out there, into the Universe that amazing results happen.  It may take a while (I am still waiting for my ten million), but it can happen.  The Universe works for me in the way of finding people.  Today marked about the seventh time that this has happened to me.  I will usually attempt to try and find that person, and if I run into a dead end, I will write their name on a piece of paper and put it in my purse.  Every so often, when I see the name, I will think of them again.  

Back when I was 16 and pregnant, I was in a program called Teen Mom.  It was up at the University of Utah, and I have to say that this program was the changing point of my life (so was having a baby at 16).  But these women did not judge me, they just had genuine love and cared for me.  I went back to them again at 18 when I had my second child.  When I had my third and fourth child I seen one of the pediatricians in their own private office until my kids got very old.  It was a very long, wonderful friendship.  I had been thinking of this certain doctor since I graduated college.  I wanted to give back to the Teen Mom program, so I called up there and asked for the doctors in charge. I left my name and number many times to no avail.  No one would ever take me serious enough to call me back.

TODAY........I generally get a ride to work every day by my daughter.  Something I really love because I hate to park and I love the talks we  have together every morning when we are together.  Today, I have a meeting at another hospital so I had to drive.  Even when I got out of bed this morning, I had this urgency to hurry up.  Even though I tried to suppress it, I ended up being ready early.  My other daughter was leaving for school so I told her I would take her (it is 9 degrees outside people....freezing).  Anyway, this is something else that I generally do not do.  I seemed to hit every green light (which never happens).  When I got to work I decided to take the elevator ( I generally take the stairs) but my foot was hurting so I took the elevator.  As soon as I got off the elevator I run into my life long friend!!! The doctor I have been thinking about, who made such an impact in my life! I immediately gave her the biggest hug.....I think she thought she was being mugged.  LOL.  But then she realized who I was and we were able to have the best talk in 25 years! This woman is amazing and I really do think that her example helped paved me into the person I am today (besides my mother).  So driving myself to work, taking my daughter to school, being ready earlier than normal, taking the elevator instead of the stairs, all lead up to this meeting.  Thank you UNIVERSE! You are AMAZING!!!  And thank you, Dr. Kathleen Mcelligot for being such an inspiration to me!

Hello, My name is Roxanne and I'm a momaholic!

The first step is admitting it....right?   When I started having kids at the age of 16 it never occurred to me, that #1 I would have lived this long, and #2 how much fun it would be!  Being so young, I have kind of grown up with my kids.  I had my first four by the time I was 23 and then waited a while and had another four in my 30's.  There is such a difference between how I raised my older four, compared to my young four.  The older four had strict rules, there was never a gray area, it was only black and white, right or wrong! They were so well behaved, took care of their toys and had clean rooms (well.....most of them).  The younger four have been more of a democracy.  We work together to set the rules, they have their input on ideas as pertaining to our home.  There is so many gray areas because I am more relaxed and have learned to pick and choose my battles.  I ask myself, will this matter next week?  If not, I usually them hash it.  Could it be due to the fact that I am older, more tired?  I say yes!  I went through nursing school and worked full time with my older four but always the energy.  Now, I finished college last year, while working full time, and raising these kids (with tons of help from my mom and older kids) but I am more tired now than when I went to school.  Now I only work!!!!  Anyway, I am moving away from my point. 

The point I want to make is even with both sets of kids (older and younger).....I TOTALLY LOVE BEING WITH MY KIDS! I miss them terribly when I am at work and look forward to the end of the day.  Even if we are just hanging out at home (which we have done a lot lately because it has been -0 degrees).  I LOVE MY KIDS! They make me laugh, they make me cry and I am totally addicted to them.  Is that so bad?  Out of all the addictions to have, this one is the safest for sure.  People say I will lose friends, well then, so be it!  If they are truly my friends then they will wait for me.  I have many who will and who help me be the best mom I can be.  I only surround myself with friends like this.  No use wasting time on anything else. As I write this blog I am looking at notes my boys left me.  I have them hanging up at work.  From my 5-year old, You are very sweet, I love you will all my heart, I hope we will never part!! (ADORABLE).  My 11 year old says, I LOVE YOU.  Thank you for everything.  You are an amazing mom.  Just holler when you need a hug (GASP, SOB).  My 8 year old writes, You are the grass and I am the tree because I am growing with you always.  (PRECIOUS). 

My   I coworker today asked who my Valentine is and I have to say....its my kids!   Another coworker says, what is your hobby?  My kids are my hobby.  They always will be.   The best thing about kids is they grow up and give you grand kids! Which by the way is my next confession.  My name is Roxanne and I am a mambaholic!!!!  Thanks for getting me through the roughest part of my life. 

Can I help you?

Experience has convinced me that life's patches of hell may actually be purposeful, and in the end, down right empowering. 

I know we have all said things like, 'What is happening to me?' or 'what have I done to deserve this?', (I for one, never say that later, for fear of asking God this question and I do not want God to answer, LOL).  When the road of life turns into a roller coaster, it is time to STOP, throw it in reverse and find another fork in the road. 

Now I am no expert and I feel like I am always in a never ending whirlwind of....what was that?  I know we have all had them, they usually come in three's, but in my case, it is a series of google....LOL.  There was one time not to long ago (maybe 5 years ago) that I was 7 months pregnant, found out I had a tumor on my back, my husband left me, and my oldest daughter decided to get married (she married a wonderful guy, he will be a whole other blog, but a good blog, totally love that guy).  It was like one of those movies when you hear the audience, first cheer, then boo, then cheer, then boo.......(ya... like that). 

Oprah tells us that, 'according to the probability theory, random events can happen in streaks, it is a pattern disorder, and in nature it can create beautiful things.'  I read this and pictured all of the Bambi's that die in the ravage of a forest fire just to have fresh trees grow again.  It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.  I have to do what?

So guess what I did?  I STOPPED!  I went into survival mode.  I did nothing but survive.  I made sure my kids and I, and my mother were taken care of. I would eat, sleep and go to the bathroom.  This is, apparently healthy to do, but only for a short time.  Being exhausted is a good thing.  When you feel so beaten down that you cant sustain normal activities, it is time to surrender.  It is time to stop trying.  I surrendered.  It was at this time of my life that I depended on the Lord to even get out of bed in the mornings.  I will never forget the day I knelt beside my bed and told the Lord, I cannot do this, help me.  I felt him lift me in his arms and carry me, and I let him.  

So many negative emotions happen when you are in this state, fear, anger, sadness.  These feelings are a big red wrong way signs and you MUST back away.  I started surrounding myself with good people, got rid of the poison in my life.  I also went into protective mama bear mode because my children were being attacked for the things their father was doing.  It is amazing how little miracles begin to happen when you turn toward your right life.  I started looking at the miracles right in front of my face.  My eight beautiful children, my tumor was gone (after six weeks of radiation) and I had a healthy baby boy and a wonderful son in law (and two grand kids now).

What I have learned looking back at it is live each day in humble gratitude.  I am so thankful for my life now and especially those who I have in my life right now.  I have tremendous friends, a loving family and a good job.  When I started counting my blessings instead of my trial, eventually my good luck was incredible.  It does not happen over night, but it does happen.  Just keep a prayer in your heart and gratefulness in your life, and this, my friends is how I can help you. 

Keepin it rollin

Wow, I haven't seen you since last year! Amazing how time flies when there is so much to do and time keeps moving. Music has been my inspiration lately.  So I am going to try very hard (and use some of my computer knowledge...or NOT) to enlighten you with what I love.  I love to sing.  I use to could play the piano but it is so true what they say about hiding your talent under a bushel, the light goes out.  That is on my bucket list, (so is going to Ireland).  Oh my next blog should be my bucket list!!!  I will for sure do that.  Anywho!!!  Here is some of my through music. 

Hello!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiC7ZX5K9L4

This song reminds me of Glendale Jr. High.  Me and Melonie Smith danced to this song, in a jungle outfit that was a pillow case.   Oh yes we did!! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmfKx1WXSFk

This is my all time favorite! This song seen me through many, many nights ~ 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmKvUeIz44w

OHHHH there are many, many days spent listening to my Jam!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oD63-EJW5Y

Listening to this songs reminds me of nursing school.  This song got me through school!
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6oYyG0KcvQ

When my older four kids were just little, me and their dad had a Nissan Maxima with a sun roof, it was all black.  It was our first car together.  Gas was under $1.00.  We would drive and drive with the sunroof open and this song blaring!  WE WERE SO COOL!!!  We were 19.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJte4O-zD4

I have a plethera of music.  I will continue to share as I walk down memory lane.