10/27/12
This is just a start to something that I think I want to
start. I have always loved writing, my
favorite type of writing is when I open a new notebook, and have a colored pen,
preferably green (my favorite color) and start writing. I love filling the clean, crisp pages with
thoughts. It seems hard for me to be
able to put words into meaning of how I really feel. My mind wanders and I do not know if I
describe in depth enough. I love to
write, I always have. I like to write my
own way though. I really hated writing in college because I had to write by
their standards. I would rather write
just to express. As much as I love
writing on paper, it hurts my hands and then I do not write as thoroughly as I
should because I feel I need to just get it done. I have been a medical transcriptionist and
can type like a banshee, so here I am. I decided to start writing this when Facebook
was not giving me what I needed. I loved
interacting with people but as always what I find is that I give and give to a
relationship and get nothing in return.
So I got off Facebook about four weeks ago, promising myself I would get
back on if the urge was too great. Well,
it has not been. Mind you, I have been
preoccupied with sepsis and cellulitis, (I will explain this later). The only
thing I really miss is doing journals of my children’s life through pictures. So that is something that I might need to incorporate
on my blog. I have thought about having
a tumbler account, and I just might, I am still trying to decide. I do know that if writing starts becoming a
chore, I will not do it. I will write to
calm my ever running mind. I write to
release many, many things; I guess I write to relax. So here I am, on my purple laptop that is
five years old, my kids have broken my spacebar and a couple of letters stick
but this old laptop has seen my through college and the last five years of my
life. I would say that the last five
years have been the most painful of my whole life but as I am looking back
through my life I have had a lot of pain.
I am trying to release poisons in my life, which I thought I had been
doing, I also thought I had doing very well but my body is starting to rebel to
the last 40 years of holding on to things that I need to release.
First I had my back give me tremendous problems, to the
point where I could not even walk and now I have had sepsis and cellulitis with
horrible swelling in my leg, all of which tell me that I have something blocked
in my mind that I need to release.
Hopefully my writing will let me release, release and rebuild. As I have said before my mind wanders, so pay
special attention to dates, as I might go back and forth as I remember
things.
p.s. I have a written journal as well. I write in in weekly and have done so for at
least the last three years. That is
writing that will only be for my children and posterity. This writing will mainly be an extension of
what I would say on Facebook.
Just in time for Halloween….
10/08/12 to now
I was at a training today and noticed that my foot started
hurting. I had stepped on a piece of
glass about three days ago but other than that, why is it hurting? I go home and ask my kids to look at it, it
was festering something so they each took a turn looking into it. It was very painful. Then I started getting
chills, very bad chills, the chills I had not had since I had my ten pound baby
natural. My kids were so worried, came
in to see if I was okay. I told them I
must have the flu and I would be alright in the morning. That night was a blur of sweating, and then
chills, nausea and a terrible headache.
The next morning I woke up (thank heavens) but could not lift my head
off the pillow. I called in to work (I
think) and went back to being miserable.
My kids were very worried by now and had called in reinforcements, my
mother. She called me and called me and
called me, each time I would say, I am okay, I just have the flu. She knew I was lying but I would put her mind
at ease every time she called. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and had
terrible pain my leg. Not just any
pain. I felt it in my bone, all the way
up to my brain. I felt the nerves scream,
each one getting louder as the neurons traveled from my foot to my brain. My youngest son said, Mom, you have a sunburn!
I looked down and my leg from the knee to the foot was indeed sunburned. The only problem? I had not been in the sun,
it is October. Now, if I were someone
else, I would have told them to go directly to the ER, but I am me and I second
guess myself when it comes to making decisions about myself, so I went back to
bed. Feeling chilled again, and a huge
wave of nausea coming over me, I fell back into bed. I thought that it would certainly start
getting better because I am healthy and that is what happens to healthy
people. Finally by Wednesday, not
getting better, and threats from my children, mother and Tracy (the friend who
saves my life over and over). I had my daughter take me in. Mind you, whenever my leg touched air it was
excruciating and walking was unthinkable.
Knowing that maybe something would be very wrong, I was afraid to go to
the hospital because I knew what was going to happen. By now my leg had tripled in size, especially
my toes and the hospital said that the heat from my leg 107.0 degrees F. I was admitted to the hospital from the ER
for sepsis and cellulitis. Oops…why
didn’t I come in earlier? I am so dumb!
How could I be so dumb? I put my life in jeopardy when I am the only caregiver
for my children? And now, I am away from
them, in the hospital. I missed them so
much and I hate missing them. I did not
have to worry though; my older daughter and mother took over. My older kids went into action making sure
that home life was normal for younger kids.
Meals were made, jobs were done, and homework was done. I have to say, I have never been as proud of
my kids as I am when they work together to help each other. When I got home they have been my caregiver,
nonstop. Here it is three weeks later
and I am just barely able to start walking without pain. They have been here 100%, the whole way. Love my kids forever.
Because of the temperature of my leg I developed a huge blister
on my shin just to the left of my leg and my toes blew up to humungous proportions
and started turning purple. The doctor
in the hospital said it would be okay, and when I followed up with my primary
care doctor he said it would be okay.
Well, again!!!! Why didn’t I trust my instinct? If I had seen those toes
on anyone else I would have said GO TO THE ER!!!! But it is me and I will be okay……so I wait
another week. I go to the primary care
doctor the next week and he said go to the ER!!!! Really?
I was started on another antibiotic because I have developed a secondary
infection. My shin blister is down at
least four layers of skin and my toes are now greenish yellow, purple. What happened next sent me into a whirlwind
of pain! Now, I have been through physical pain, (I have had 8 kids), I have
also been through emotional pain (something I might explain later) but I have
never experience the pain I endured both physically and emotionally. I know you wonder why I say emotionally but
it is hard to go from non-stop mother, father, friend, daughter, aunt, first
counselor in relief society to doing absolutely nothing. The hardest thing for me to do is to do
absolutely nothing. My days are spent
with my leg up, sitting and contemplating life.
The first three weeks I felt so horrible that all I could do was be
sick. But this last week, getting use to
the pain, I have had time to read and finish two books, think of what I can do
for the ward Christmas breakfast that the relief society is in charge of, catch
up on much television and write.
Pictures of this process are coming soon.
10/27/12
Tonight is our ward Halloween party and I am missing
it. Not happy time for me. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!! This really bites. It was very fun getting the kids ready
though. Skoti is a ware-wolf, Molo is a
scary jester, Nifai is a wizard, Atelaite is Mulan, Ana and Saia are scary
college students, LOL. Lennx is Thomas
the Train and Daisey is Minnie Mouse, Amber is a witch. Inoke is dressing up for a different
Halloween party being Dracula. Luckily
we decorated the house on October 1st, so that was done before the
bacteria almost killed me; I am home, being a Mummy…….LOL. Pictures coming up!
10/29/12
Daily dressing changes of my toes (pictures). I try to do a little each day but when my leg
is down, the pain begins. I have decided
through all of this that I HATE PAIN!!!!!
I can handle it if I know it is going to be just for a little while, but
the never ending pain is the worst. Eating
180 g of protein is very hard to do too.
I am trying to stimulate new cell growth so I had to sign a contract
saying I have to eat at least 180 g of protein.
BARF!!!!!!
Amber’s cupcakes are to die for!!!!!! My new favorite is strawberry cheesecake
cupcake (picture). I also love her orange cream cupcake, oh and her
chocolate……store bought cupcakes do not even compare. Even the cupcakes from that sweet tooth place
do not compare. I keep on telling her to
start her own business but she said she would rather just make them for people
she loves……..SO GLAD I AM ON THAT LIST!!!
I better be good too, I do not want to come off the cupcake list. I need to mention that strawberry cheesecake
cupcakes have 5 g of protein!!!! WHOOT,
WHOOT!!!!
10/30/12
I am feeling apprehension this morning as I get ready to go
to the doctor at the wound clinic. The
last time I went the pain was unbearable.
Hoping today is better.
Evening…
YIPEE!!!! In rating
my pain from a week ago which was a 15, to the pain I feel tonight, it is more
of a 5. The pain is even different. It
went from get 10 feet away from my leg and foot to a mere, burning, searing
pain. The doctor explained to me today
that I have baby new skin and that it needs to never get dry or cracked or we
will have to start over. Vaseline here I
come!! Today he peeled away the skin on the bottom of my foot and my heel and
ankle. I can feel the burn. I have a compression stalking to hold it all
in place which is 100% better than the cast type dressing I had last week. So things are looking better. Doctor T said he is happy with my healing and
is glad that I am so young and eating my protein as directed. He said he can tell who is being
compliant. That is me, always complaint!
Never mind that I have probably gained
another 100 pounds and now my heart will fail, at least I did not lose my
toes.
On a serious note, I am very thankful that things are going
so well. It has been a long three weeks,
going into my fourth week and I have gotten very tired of this whole being sick
thing. I can look back at my progress
and just hope by next week and this time I will be getting ready to go back to
work. One thing that cannot happen in a
single income family is to minus one.
I dedicate today’s blog to my true friends, my kids, my
grandchildren, my parents and my siblings.
I flourish because of you.
