This is just a start to something that I think I want to start. I have always loved writing, my favorite type of writing is when I open a new notebook, and have a colored pen, preferably green (my favorite color) and start writing. I love filling the clean, crisp pages with thoughts. It seems hard for me to be able to put words into meaning of how I really feel. My mind wanders and I do not know if I describe in depth enough. I love to write, I always have. I like to write my own way though. I really hated writing in college because I had to write by their standards. I would rather write just to express. As much as I love writing on paper, it hurts my hands and then I do not write as thoroughly as I should because I feel I need to just get it done. I have been a medical transcriptionist and can type like a banshee, so here I am. I decided to start writing this when Facebook was not giving me what I needed. I loved interacting with people but as always what I find is that I give and give to a relationship and get nothing in return. So I got off Facebook about four weeks ago, promising myself I would get back on if the urge was too great. Well, it has not been. Mind you, I have been preoccupied with sepsis and cellulitis, (I will explain this later). The only thing I really miss is doing journals of my children’s life through pictures. So that is something that I might need to incorporate on my blog. I have thought about having a tumbler account, and I just might, I am still trying to decide. I do know that if writing starts becoming a chore, I will not do it. I will write to calm my ever running mind. I write to release many, many things; I guess I write to relax. So here I am, on my purple laptop that is five years old, my kids have broken my spacebar and a couple of letters stick but this old laptop has seen my through college and the last five years of my life. I would say that the last five years have been the most painful of my whole life but as I am looking back through my life I have had a lot of pain. I am trying to release poisons in my life, which I thought I had been doing, I also thought I had doing very well but my body is starting to rebel to the last 40 years of holding on to things that I need to release.
First I had my back give me tremendous problems, to the point where I could not even walk and now I have had sepsis and cellulitis with horrible swelling in my leg, all of which tell me that I have something blocked in my mind that I need to release. Hopefully my writing will let me release, release and rebuild. As I have said before my mind wanders, so pay special attention to dates, as I might go back and forth as I remember things.
p.s. I have a written journal as well. I write in in weekly and have done so for at least the last three years. That is writing that will only be for my children and posterity. This writing will mainly be an extension of what I would say on Facebook.
Just in time for Halloween….
10/08/12 to now
I was at a training today and noticed that my foot started hurting. I had stepped on a piece of glass about three days ago but other than that, why is it hurting? I go home and ask my kids to look at it, it was festering something so they each took a turn looking into it. It was very painful. Then I started getting chills, very bad chills, the chills I had not had since I had my ten pound baby natural. My kids were so worried, came in to see if I was okay. I told them I must have the flu and I would be alright in the morning. That night was a blur of sweating, and then chills, nausea and a terrible headache. The next morning I woke up (thank heavens) but could not lift my head off the pillow. I called in to work (I think) and went back to being miserable. My kids were very worried by now and had called in reinforcements, my mother. She called me and called me and called me, each time I would say, I am okay, I just have the flu. She knew I was lying but I would put her mind at ease every time she called. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and had terrible pain my leg. Not just any pain. I felt it in my bone, all the way up to my brain. I felt the nerves scream, each one getting louder as the neurons traveled from my foot to my brain. My youngest son said, Mom, you have a sunburn! I looked down and my leg from the knee to the foot was indeed sunburned. The only problem? I had not been in the sun, it is October. Now, if I were someone else, I would have told them to go directly to the ER, but I am me and I second guess myself when it comes to making decisions about myself, so I went back to bed. Feeling chilled again, and a huge wave of nausea coming over me, I fell back into bed. I thought that it would certainly start getting better because I am healthy and that is what happens to healthy people. Finally by Wednesday, not getting better, and threats from my children, mother and Tracy (the friend who saves my life over and over). I had my daughter take me in. Mind you, whenever my leg touched air it was excruciating and walking was unthinkable. Knowing that maybe something would be very wrong, I was afraid to go to the hospital because I knew what was going to happen. By now my leg had tripled in size, especially my toes and the hospital said that the heat from my leg 107.0 degrees F. I was admitted to the hospital from the ER for sepsis and cellulitis. Oops…why didn’t I come in earlier? I am so dumb! How could I be so dumb? I put my life in jeopardy when I am the only caregiver for my children? And now, I am away from them, in the hospital. I missed them so much and I hate missing them. I did not have to worry though; my older daughter and mother took over. My older kids went into action making sure that home life was normal for younger kids. Meals were made, jobs were done, and homework was done. I have to say, I have never been as proud of my kids as I am when they work together to help each other. When I got home they have been my caregiver, nonstop. Here it is three weeks later and I am just barely able to start walking without pain. They have been here 100%, the whole way. Love my kids forever.
Because of the temperature of my leg I developed a huge blister on my shin just to the left of my leg and my toes blew up to humungous proportions and started turning purple. The doctor in the hospital said it would be okay, and when I followed up with my primary care doctor he said it would be okay. Well, again!!!! Why didn’t I trust my instinct? If I had seen those toes on anyone else I would have said GO TO THE ER!!!! But it is me and I will be okay……so I wait another week. I go to the primary care doctor the next week and he said go to the ER!!!! Really? I was started on another antibiotic because I have developed a secondary infection. My shin blister is down at least four layers of skin and my toes are now greenish yellow, purple. What happened next sent me into a whirlwind of pain! Now, I have been through physical pain, (I have had 8 kids), I have also been through emotional pain (something I might explain later) but I have never experience the pain I endured both physically and emotionally. I know you wonder why I say emotionally but it is hard to go from non-stop mother, father, friend, daughter, aunt, first counselor in relief society to doing absolutely nothing. The hardest thing for me to do is to do absolutely nothing. My days are spent with my leg up, sitting and contemplating life. The first three weeks I felt so horrible that all I could do was be sick. But this last week, getting use to the pain, I have had time to read and finish two books, think of what I can do for the ward Christmas breakfast that the relief society is in charge of, catch up on much television and write. Pictures of this process are coming soon.
Tonight is our ward Halloween party and I am missing it. Not happy time for me. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!! This really bites. It was very fun getting the kids ready though. Skoti is a ware-wolf, Molo is a scary jester, Nifai is a wizard, Atelaite is Mulan, Ana and Saia are scary college students, LOL. Lennx is Thomas the Train and Daisey is Minnie Mouse, Amber is a witch. Inoke is dressing up for a different Halloween party being Dracula. Luckily we decorated the house on October 1st, so that was done before the bacteria almost killed me; I am home, being a Mummy…….LOL. Pictures coming up!
Daily dressing changes of my toes (pictures). I try to do a little each day but when my leg is down, the pain begins. I have decided through all of this that I HATE PAIN!!!!! I can handle it if I know it is going to be just for a little while, but the never ending pain is the worst. Eating 180 g of protein is very hard to do too. I am trying to stimulate new cell growth so I had to sign a contract saying I have to eat at least 180 g of protein. BARF!!!!!!
Amber’s cupcakes are to die for!!!!!! My new favorite is strawberry cheesecake cupcake (picture). I also love her orange cream cupcake, oh and her chocolate……store bought cupcakes do not even compare. Even the cupcakes from that sweet tooth place do not compare. I keep on telling her to start her own business but she said she would rather just make them for people she loves……..SO GLAD I AM ON THAT LIST!!! I better be good too, I do not want to come off the cupcake list. I need to mention that strawberry cheesecake cupcakes have 5 g of protein!!!! WHOOT, WHOOT!!!!
I am feeling apprehension this morning as I get ready to go to the doctor at the wound clinic. The last time I went the pain was unbearable. Hoping today is better.
YIPEE!!!! In rating my pain from a week ago which was a 15, to the pain I feel tonight, it is more of a 5. The pain is even different. It went from get 10 feet away from my leg and foot to a mere, burning, searing pain. The doctor explained to me today that I have baby new skin and that it needs to never get dry or cracked or we will have to start over. Vaseline here I come!! Today he peeled away the skin on the bottom of my foot and my heel and ankle. I can feel the burn. I have a compression stalking to hold it all in place which is 100% better than the cast type dressing I had last week. So things are looking better. Doctor T said he is happy with my healing and is glad that I am so young and eating my protein as directed. He said he can tell who is being compliant. That is me, always complaint! Never mind that I have probably gained another 100 pounds and now my heart will fail, at least I did not lose my toes.
On a serious note, I am very thankful that things are going so well. It has been a long three weeks, going into my fourth week and I have gotten very tired of this whole being sick thing. I can look back at my progress and just hope by next week and this time I will be getting ready to go back to work. One thing that cannot happen in a single income family is to minus one.
I dedicate today’s blog to my true friends, my kids, my grandchildren, my parents and my siblings. I flourish because of you.